A few weeks ago I experienced my first round of cyber bullying. Judging by this lovely experience there will be more.
I honestly censor so much of what I really want to say that I never expected to offend people so much. I also didn’t realize how many men despise women that had the audacity to get college degrees, a career and heaven forbid- a mind of their own.
Knowing that, I would like to backtrack through the past 29 years of my life and pretend to not have an opinion or a brain so maybe some poor shmuck will marry me.
I’d rather die alone. And if I do die alone I want you all to know that I lived my life doing exactly what I wanted to do. Hanging out with my mom, adopting wiener dogs, eating lots of cheese, working out and having an opinion about every freaking thing you can think of. And openly expressing it at all times. It was a fabulous life. I laughed a lot, I cried a little and I told three little dogs that I loved them 3,987,642 times a day.
But back to the point, the message I received from these men ran the gamut. From calling me a whore, telling me I was used up at age 29, that no man would ever want a woman my age, to proclaiming I was a feminist who would end up alone for buying into feminist lies. Those were obviously absurd statements. The statements that were harder to take were comments that addressed issues about myself that I had already considered as causes for my singleness. Those are always the ones that hurt right?
What a lot of my new “fans” wanted to say to me is that it is my fault that I am alone. That I chose school, work, a-hole men and shot down nice guys (nice guys that verbally attack women online in between video game sessions).
Have I ever considered that being single at 29 is my fault? Of course I have.
(Minus a brief 3 month boyfriend in there somewhere)
I still chose to end that brief relationship. Why? Because is being with someone just so you don’t have to be alone a good idea? I don’t think so.
Do you marry someone because they make a decent living?
Do you marry someone because they check off boxes on a list?
I don’t think so.
At least I don’t want to.
I want to marry someone that I love with all my heart, that makes me laugh til I cry and tells me to shut up when my attitude gets outta hand (and it does, believe that).
A couple of years ago I asked my mom if she thought maybe I had met my person and I had broken up with him or even worse he had broken up with me. She is so smart you guys, if you need a mom to bounce ideas off of I will rent her out for a pretty penny because let me tell you she is the best! Calmly and rationally (like always) she said, “well, is there anyone in your past you wish you were married to?”
Solved that issue.
Around the same time I had the epiphany that if I wasn’t knock down, drag out, head over heels in love with someone I wouldn’t waste our time. It isn’t fair to either person right? Every day of their life I am stealing for my own selfish needs keeps them from meeting the love of their life. And vice versa.
Then the other day I read this amazing blog post basically saying if it’s not a heck yes then it’s a no (Read the post here.) And that is EXACTLY what my thought process has been! And it’s also how I have been living my dating life. If I’m not very excited to see this guy on date number three how excited am I going to be six years later, exhausted, with children? One good thing I did get from the Kardashians, I know I just lost all credibility, stay with me though. When Bruce (wherever that guy went) told one of those girls that dating is the best it ever gets, marriage is hard and if it isn’t good when you are dating it won’t be better when you are married. Man did that hit home! I had spent a ton of time trying to convince myself to like guys more, like them because they are nice, like them because they like me so much, like them because they are successful, etc. What is the point though? Can I tell myself to settle for them because of those qualities for the rest of my life? I doubt it.
I always say that I haven’t ever been in love and I think that is still true.
But I have had at least one boyfriend that made me feel like I was walking on clouds.
I hope love at least feels a little bit like that, even if marriage doesn’t always feel that way.
Am I impossible, out of touch, too old to be desirable by good men? Maybe. I’m sure it will cross my mind a million times in the next few weeks. But do I feel like I made a mistake? Invested too much time into having a career? Blew it with an amazing man? Shot down the nice guy in high school? Nah, life has been a roller coaster but I love roller coasters and I love life.
Besides there is always plan B, have a baby by way of a sperm donor. Duh.
Thanks for reading, friends!
I hope this blog can bring a little comfort to any of the women or men out there in awkward life stages, trying to figure things out. I believe every part of life is a learning experience. Don’t let the naysayers get you down, besides they should all be pretty busy right now filling up my inbox haha!